I remembered

I woke up this morning at 8:44 and turned on my tv to hear a bit of President Obama's speech.  Since then I've had the tv on NBC, and I've been watching the memorials.  I have to thank NBC - they have not shown images from 9/11.  It has been all about today (except one flashback to the Pentagon attack).  I'm sure as the day goes on, this will change. I'll move on before that happens.  But this allowed me to take part of the memorials, and remember without having to see it all over again.

Trying to Forget

September 11, 2001.  Am I wrong for not wanting to remember that day?  Am I wrong to avoid all conversations, or to change the channel every time a new special comes on? 
I fully understand the significance of Sunday. And I understand why we need to never forget that day.  But, am I wrong to not want to relive those fears and all that confusion?  Even writing this I'm fighting back tears, and I worked really, really hard to put walls up around that day so that I could go on living normally again.  And now the media is asking me to relive it all over again...and relive those fears, so that I have to learn to live with them again.  That day is in a nice safe place in my mind and heart. But this ten year anniversary is messing that all up.  Emotions are starting to seep out as I see images. Memories of co-workers in NYC that I talked to that day are running rampant.  The silence I heard at  night, as a result of airplanes being grounded resonates loudly.  I remember being more aware of Logan Airport during that time when planes were grounded than I previously was.  Odd, right?
And now new threats.  Of course, this is not unexpected.   But for someone like me, who tends to be paranoid, and can easily live in fear if I don't check myself, this can be crippling.  I feel a bit safer here in Maine. 
So, while I understand, and appreciate the significance of the ten year anniversary - and while I certainly mean no disrespect to those who died on that horrible day, or their families, for they should be honored - I just hate that this means we have to relive our immense sadness and fear (though the fear is MUCH lesser than it was immediately following the attacks).
I just wish the sadness and horror could stay tucked away forever.  It doesn't mean I've forgotten - how could I?  I just don't care to ever have those emotions - to that extreme - ever again. Seeing those images in real time was truly enough. I can't watch it over and over again.  I'm sure that makes me horrible and insensitive and selfish.  And that makes me feel horrible...and insensitive...and selfish. 

One last Sha-Bang!

School starts tomorrow - for realz.  Kids and all.  No more preparations.  Time to meet my kiddos, and make the best first impression possible.  Tomorrow is the most important day of this year. Well, one of them, anyway.  Being the new teacher is stressful - I mean, seriously, I have to wear the perfect outfit, or I'm a loser for life.  This is middle school after all!  The kids will be talking, and I'm not kidding. 

But before I deal with that, I got one more kick ass weekend with my besties from high school.  These girls - Jen, Sara and Jess - know me better than almost anyone.  I never get to see them, and in Jen's case, I lost touch with her for many years, and only recently reconnected.  But here's the thing:  it doesn't matter.  We pick up where we left off.  We mock.  We tease. We laugh.  We cry.  And it's just understood that, after all these years, we've still got each other's back.  I love these girls.  In Sara's case, I'm especially proud, because we had a fallen out - due to a 3rd party - and after not speaking to each other for 4 or 5 years, we ran into each other the weekend of her wedding (that I was not invited to) and we both just cried.  This falling out was neither of our fault, and we chose to literally forgive and forget...and we have.  And while I'm so sad I lost that time with, I'm more grateful that I have more time ahead.  That we were able to get over it.  We've only discussed it a few times, because we don't understand what happened, so we don't see the point in rehashing, and therefore keeping it alive. But I digress.  My point is - that's how strong our bond is....with all of these girls.  And we just had the best weekend at Sara's sister's wedding.  I'm revived and full of energy and confidence because of my time with them.  The perfect frame of mind for tomorrow :)

My hope is that I can spread a spirit of warmth, calmness, positive energy, and optimism to my students at all times. My high school girlfriends bring out these qualities in me.  As a matter of fact - most of my friends do - I suppose that's what attracts me to them (you).

Here we go....

No regrets

I've been spending a lot of time in my new classroom.  The classroom itself does not compare to Westbrook.  It's much smaller, and not new and shiney.  The technology is lacking.  There are no choral risers and fancy posture chairs.  There is no choral library - the music is stored in file cabinets that don't shut all the way, and that I have to fight with to open.  I have twenty keyboards around the perimeter of the room, 40 old school chairs with cracks in them so kids can have their butts pinched when they sit down, and a whole lotta African drums that I don't even know the names of.  Right now those drums are in the middle of the floor - in front of my desk.  In short...I need storage space.  So...with all of the fancy schmancy stuff in Westbrook, what do I miss the most?  The storage closet. 
Don't get me wrong.  I LOVED working in Westbrook.  I loved my colleagues - especially the Music Department and the Unified Arts Team.  But I loved the Principal and Vice Principal.  I loved my students.  I don't knwo why it was time to move on, but it was.  And I was a bit concerned I would regret this decision.  But I think the fact that I only miss the storage closet should be reassuring.

I have so much more to do before students come on Tuesday.  But to be honest - I wish they would come tomorrow.  I'm ready.  I'm excited.  I'm giddy.  I'm optimistic.  I'm relaxed.  I'm zen.  I'm barely nervous (that'll come Monday night). 

Dope Brain

It's come back...the drug brain.  When I can't complete a thought, never mind a sentence.  I am driving right past streets I know I should be turning onto....and to make it worse, I realize I'm doing this as I drive through the red light.  Like, SERIOUSLY, a red light.  Not a yellow light turning red.  A legit red light in a major intersection on Forest Ave.  And do you know what my thought was?  Not, "Phew - thank God for watching over me and everyone else, and me not causing an accident".  Nope - it was, "is there a cop around?  If I get pulled over, my car isn't inspected".  I was looking for my classroom keys when I was leaving today, to make sure I wasn't locking them in my room.  My co-worker was telling me she could lock my door for me, and my response was, "well, I just need to make sure I have them for yesterday".  Whaaaaa??   Again, with my co-worker, we've just gone over a few things I needed in my classroom and we were walking down the hall.  I stopped and had to ask what we were doing.  I honest to God had no freaking idea.  None.

I don't understand.  I remember when I first when on the Topomax this was a side effect.  But it seems like it wore off.  I mean, I know I loose my train of thought a bit more, but I'm not stupid like I am now.  The only thing I can think of is that with getting ready for school and all, I've having to think not only more and concentrate more, but I have to think on my toes a lot more.  And there is so much going on in my mind right now, that maybe I just have  hard time keeping it straight. 

I don't know....but I think I'm going to call my neurologist and see if I can decrease the topomax from 100 mg to 75mg.  I was going to start weening myself off it off the holidays anyway, but maybe I'll start sooner.  My migraines are doing pretty well right now, so we'll see what happens...

Morning Thoughts....

1. Phlebotomist:  I always appreciate a good phlebotomist.  Today I had blood drawn to check cholesterol. I hate having blood drawn.  I'm not afraid of needles - cripes, I give myself shots frequently for migraines.  But I don't give blood easily.  It usually involves 8-10 tries on each arm, despite me telling the person which arm an vein to use.  I feel bad telling them this - they are the experts, but I've learned over 35 years which one works.  Some are too proud, and feel they know better, so I have to sit through numerous tries.  (the same goes for IV's by the way - which especially sucks when I visit the ER for migraines....) But today I had the BESTEST phlebotomist EVER.  I politely asked her to try such and such vein first and she got it - first try.  I didn't even feel a pinch.  I was literally in and out in 3 minutes. 
Seriously, I will be requesting her going forward....

2. Adele: I love her.  I've loved her voice like everyone else, and loved the few songs I've heard on the radio.  But I just downloaded my first entire album. I think I can honestly say, I have never been so effected (affected - I'll be damned if I ever get those words right) by an artist.  I melt when I hear her voice.  I get choked up when I try to sing her songs - tear up, in fact.  I feel what she is singing, even though I honestly don't feel I have experienced what she is singing about - at least not to that depth.  So I shouldn't relate to her songs at this level - but I do.  I heard some celebrity say that they had not felt this way about an artist since Carole King - I think that is a good comparison.  Soul - music has been missing that lately.  I'm not sure I realized how much I missed that in music until Adele came along.  But I'm glad I've found it again.

That's it - Nancois' random thoughts for this Monday morning.

State of panic

You know when you get so overwhelmed with how much you have to do that you just don't do anything?  Yeah....that's where I'm at.  School starts in two weeks.  I still have not learned jack shit about African drumming.  I'm still HORRIBLE at the guitar.  I still have not ordered music because I keep going around and round on what to order.  I haven't written letters to parents because there is a major policy I want to change but I need to talk to admin first to make sure they will support me if - no WHEN parents complain.  And what's worse is that I now can't get into my room until Thursday because the floors are being stripped and waxed.  So most of this I could do at home....but instead, I just get stressed and overwhelmed, so instead I watch another DVR'd episode of Criminal Minds. 

Oye.