I remembered

I woke up this morning at 8:44 and turned on my tv to hear a bit of President Obama's speech.  Since then I've had the tv on NBC, and I've been watching the memorials.  I have to thank NBC - they have not shown images from 9/11.  It has been all about today (except one flashback to the Pentagon attack).  I'm sure as the day goes on, this will change. I'll move on before that happens.  But this allowed me to take part of the memorials, and remember without having to see it all over again.

Trying to Forget

September 11, 2001.  Am I wrong for not wanting to remember that day?  Am I wrong to avoid all conversations, or to change the channel every time a new special comes on? 
I fully understand the significance of Sunday. And I understand why we need to never forget that day.  But, am I wrong to not want to relive those fears and all that confusion?  Even writing this I'm fighting back tears, and I worked really, really hard to put walls up around that day so that I could go on living normally again.  And now the media is asking me to relive it all over again...and relive those fears, so that I have to learn to live with them again.  That day is in a nice safe place in my mind and heart. But this ten year anniversary is messing that all up.  Emotions are starting to seep out as I see images. Memories of co-workers in NYC that I talked to that day are running rampant.  The silence I heard at  night, as a result of airplanes being grounded resonates loudly.  I remember being more aware of Logan Airport during that time when planes were grounded than I previously was.  Odd, right?
And now new threats.  Of course, this is not unexpected.   But for someone like me, who tends to be paranoid, and can easily live in fear if I don't check myself, this can be crippling.  I feel a bit safer here in Maine. 
So, while I understand, and appreciate the significance of the ten year anniversary - and while I certainly mean no disrespect to those who died on that horrible day, or their families, for they should be honored - I just hate that this means we have to relive our immense sadness and fear (though the fear is MUCH lesser than it was immediately following the attacks).
I just wish the sadness and horror could stay tucked away forever.  It doesn't mean I've forgotten - how could I?  I just don't care to ever have those emotions - to that extreme - ever again. Seeing those images in real time was truly enough. I can't watch it over and over again.  I'm sure that makes me horrible and insensitive and selfish.  And that makes me feel horrible...and insensitive...and selfish. 

One last Sha-Bang!

School starts tomorrow - for realz.  Kids and all.  No more preparations.  Time to meet my kiddos, and make the best first impression possible.  Tomorrow is the most important day of this year. Well, one of them, anyway.  Being the new teacher is stressful - I mean, seriously, I have to wear the perfect outfit, or I'm a loser for life.  This is middle school after all!  The kids will be talking, and I'm not kidding. 

But before I deal with that, I got one more kick ass weekend with my besties from high school.  These girls - Jen, Sara and Jess - know me better than almost anyone.  I never get to see them, and in Jen's case, I lost touch with her for many years, and only recently reconnected.  But here's the thing:  it doesn't matter.  We pick up where we left off.  We mock.  We tease. We laugh.  We cry.  And it's just understood that, after all these years, we've still got each other's back.  I love these girls.  In Sara's case, I'm especially proud, because we had a fallen out - due to a 3rd party - and after not speaking to each other for 4 or 5 years, we ran into each other the weekend of her wedding (that I was not invited to) and we both just cried.  This falling out was neither of our fault, and we chose to literally forgive and forget...and we have.  And while I'm so sad I lost that time with, I'm more grateful that I have more time ahead.  That we were able to get over it.  We've only discussed it a few times, because we don't understand what happened, so we don't see the point in rehashing, and therefore keeping it alive. But I digress.  My point is - that's how strong our bond is....with all of these girls.  And we just had the best weekend at Sara's sister's wedding.  I'm revived and full of energy and confidence because of my time with them.  The perfect frame of mind for tomorrow :)

My hope is that I can spread a spirit of warmth, calmness, positive energy, and optimism to my students at all times. My high school girlfriends bring out these qualities in me.  As a matter of fact - most of my friends do - I suppose that's what attracts me to them (you).

Here we go....

No regrets

I've been spending a lot of time in my new classroom.  The classroom itself does not compare to Westbrook.  It's much smaller, and not new and shiney.  The technology is lacking.  There are no choral risers and fancy posture chairs.  There is no choral library - the music is stored in file cabinets that don't shut all the way, and that I have to fight with to open.  I have twenty keyboards around the perimeter of the room, 40 old school chairs with cracks in them so kids can have their butts pinched when they sit down, and a whole lotta African drums that I don't even know the names of.  Right now those drums are in the middle of the floor - in front of my desk.  In short...I need storage space.  So...with all of the fancy schmancy stuff in Westbrook, what do I miss the most?  The storage closet. 
Don't get me wrong.  I LOVED working in Westbrook.  I loved my colleagues - especially the Music Department and the Unified Arts Team.  But I loved the Principal and Vice Principal.  I loved my students.  I don't knwo why it was time to move on, but it was.  And I was a bit concerned I would regret this decision.  But I think the fact that I only miss the storage closet should be reassuring.

I have so much more to do before students come on Tuesday.  But to be honest - I wish they would come tomorrow.  I'm ready.  I'm excited.  I'm giddy.  I'm optimistic.  I'm relaxed.  I'm zen.  I'm barely nervous (that'll come Monday night). 

Dope Brain

It's come back...the drug brain.  When I can't complete a thought, never mind a sentence.  I am driving right past streets I know I should be turning onto....and to make it worse, I realize I'm doing this as I drive through the red light.  Like, SERIOUSLY, a red light.  Not a yellow light turning red.  A legit red light in a major intersection on Forest Ave.  And do you know what my thought was?  Not, "Phew - thank God for watching over me and everyone else, and me not causing an accident".  Nope - it was, "is there a cop around?  If I get pulled over, my car isn't inspected".  I was looking for my classroom keys when I was leaving today, to make sure I wasn't locking them in my room.  My co-worker was telling me she could lock my door for me, and my response was, "well, I just need to make sure I have them for yesterday".  Whaaaaa??   Again, with my co-worker, we've just gone over a few things I needed in my classroom and we were walking down the hall.  I stopped and had to ask what we were doing.  I honest to God had no freaking idea.  None.

I don't understand.  I remember when I first when on the Topomax this was a side effect.  But it seems like it wore off.  I mean, I know I loose my train of thought a bit more, but I'm not stupid like I am now.  The only thing I can think of is that with getting ready for school and all, I've having to think not only more and concentrate more, but I have to think on my toes a lot more.  And there is so much going on in my mind right now, that maybe I just have  hard time keeping it straight. 

I don't know....but I think I'm going to call my neurologist and see if I can decrease the topomax from 100 mg to 75mg.  I was going to start weening myself off it off the holidays anyway, but maybe I'll start sooner.  My migraines are doing pretty well right now, so we'll see what happens...

Morning Thoughts....

1. Phlebotomist:  I always appreciate a good phlebotomist.  Today I had blood drawn to check cholesterol. I hate having blood drawn.  I'm not afraid of needles - cripes, I give myself shots frequently for migraines.  But I don't give blood easily.  It usually involves 8-10 tries on each arm, despite me telling the person which arm an vein to use.  I feel bad telling them this - they are the experts, but I've learned over 35 years which one works.  Some are too proud, and feel they know better, so I have to sit through numerous tries.  (the same goes for IV's by the way - which especially sucks when I visit the ER for migraines....) But today I had the BESTEST phlebotomist EVER.  I politely asked her to try such and such vein first and she got it - first try.  I didn't even feel a pinch.  I was literally in and out in 3 minutes. 
Seriously, I will be requesting her going forward....

2. Adele: I love her.  I've loved her voice like everyone else, and loved the few songs I've heard on the radio.  But I just downloaded my first entire album. I think I can honestly say, I have never been so effected (affected - I'll be damned if I ever get those words right) by an artist.  I melt when I hear her voice.  I get choked up when I try to sing her songs - tear up, in fact.  I feel what she is singing, even though I honestly don't feel I have experienced what she is singing about - at least not to that depth.  So I shouldn't relate to her songs at this level - but I do.  I heard some celebrity say that they had not felt this way about an artist since Carole King - I think that is a good comparison.  Soul - music has been missing that lately.  I'm not sure I realized how much I missed that in music until Adele came along.  But I'm glad I've found it again.

That's it - Nancois' random thoughts for this Monday morning.

State of panic

You know when you get so overwhelmed with how much you have to do that you just don't do anything?  Yeah....that's where I'm at.  School starts in two weeks.  I still have not learned jack shit about African drumming.  I'm still HORRIBLE at the guitar.  I still have not ordered music because I keep going around and round on what to order.  I haven't written letters to parents because there is a major policy I want to change but I need to talk to admin first to make sure they will support me if - no WHEN parents complain.  And what's worse is that I now can't get into my room until Thursday because the floors are being stripped and waxed.  So most of this I could do at home....but instead, I just get stressed and overwhelmed, so instead I watch another DVR'd episode of Criminal Minds. 

Oye.

Wisdom of an older sister

I am an older sister.  You didn't know that did you?  Not by blood....but by our fathers were frat brothers.  If I had a Godfather, her dad would be mine.  She called me "sissy" growing up.  She is 5 years younger than me, and for years that was a huge deal.  But since I moved back to Maine, we've grown quite close. 

She's been in a relationship for 5 years with a guy who just isn't right for her.  I like him well enough.  He's a lot of fun to be around...successful...smart...provides well for her...has good intentions.  But he can't provide emotionally for her because of is own issues with his son.  And I don't see it changing....ever.  My friend will always come in fourth after his son, his ex wife and his job.  Always.  I wish she would break up with him.  I wish she could see that, at 30, she has her whole life ahead her.  She wants children, but admits that he can't handle right now...or possible ever.  He doesn't have room.  He sees her and his son as two separate entities - they will never be a family.  He's twelve years older than she is, and he doesn't fit in with her friends anymore.  He spends half his time in Massachusetts now to spend more time with his son. She is in a horrible slump where she feels let down by everyone, and feels horrible about herself.

I wish for her to find the strength to  let him go.  To stop feeling guilty for her own needs.  I wish for to see what she deserves, and to recognize that she may not get it from him.  And I wish for her to not be dependent on him.  And I wish for me to find a balance and know when to just listen, and when to give advice.  While I know what I want for her, I do not know what is best for her.  So I wish for me to be careful not to try to lead her in the direction I want her to take.  But I wish for her to have to strength to find the way to what is best for her.  She is a gem....and should be cherished as such.  It's amazing what 5 years of life can show...but I know she has to find her own way at her own pace on this one.  She will gain my wisdom in her own time. 

Chocolate Orgasm

I'm having a chocolate orgasm as I type.  Serious.  You see, during all the stress of the budget crisis/do I or do I not have a job and interviewing at Cape and Grad School stress of the spring (how I am not in fetal position still??), I seemed to have gained back a good portion of the weight I'd lost over the winter.  But, the past few weeks, I've been running again (finally!) and eating the way I used to.  Not really dieting - at least not consciously - but eating healthy.  I haven't really missed junk food, because I typically enjoy fruit more.  But man....it was rainy today.  And it's the Sunday before my period.  The perfect lazy day. The perfect binge day.

Thankfully, I'm smart and I know that once I start, I can't stop.  And thankfully Betty Crocker understands that we can't stop ourselves either and they created those lovely single-ish (sort of) serving desserts so we don't overindulge too much.  Just enough.  I've only eaten half....and....Ohhhh.....Goooodddd!

Music Therepy

Now that I have my own place, I have a lot of time to myself. Just me.  For a while, I watched a lot of tv.  Too much.  I'm ashamed to say how much, because I've never been one to overindulge in the boob-tube.  But I guess we all get sucked in occasionally, so I'll let it slide this once. The important thing is that I snapped out of it.  And moved on to reading - which is not so surprising, because I read all the time.  Well, then I finished my book.  Now what?  Ahhh....my piano.  During the school year, my piano gets neglected because I play all day at school.  But the thing is, I never play for myself.  I never just sit and learn songs and sing for me.  It's always choral music and warmup.  Well now....NOW...I'm playing for me.  I'm closing the windows so I can play and sing at the top of my lungs and not be embarrassed or worry about bothering my neighbors.  And, oh my, it's fabulous.  God, I love singing.  I mean, I really, REALLY love singing.  But I always felt weird about knowing I had a good voice.  I mean - isn't that a little vain?  Or, wanting people to hear me sing?  Isn't that weird?  But I do...so this time I recorded myself on Garage Band and sent it to my parents, and to my college friend who always listened to me while I was practicing for voice juries at the end of each semester.  I was going to post it here, but I can't figure out how to post an audio...oh well.

So, my new project is this - and I think my two followers (thanks Laura and Summer!) can help me with this: My college friend is having a baby in September.  I'd like to record for her a cd that she can play for the baby to help him/her go to sleep.  But not necessarily lullabyes.  Songs that are soothing, but songs that my friends would like, too.  Not kiddie songs.  Make sense?  So if you can think of any send them my way.  I'm better at piano, but can do really simple guitar songs, too...


Ahh music....

Tri for a Cure

Well, we did it.  I did it.  We did it.  A whole lotta "we's" did it.  Yesterday was Maine's Tri for a Cure, and it was amazing.  It was freakin' hot, but it was amazing!  Since I was on a relay team, all I had to do was run the mini transition between swim and bike, and then run my 5k, but let me tell you again - it was freakin' HOT!  So while I was running...or slightly more than fast walking...I thought my head was on fire.  I thought it was going to explode.  And I'd feel a bit like giving up.  And then someone - or many someones - who had already swam 1/3 of a mile in the ocean and biked 15 miles would run - no, fly - by me.  So, I'd feel a bit silly for wanting to give up and I'd suck it up and continue.

It was great, though.  It was awesome waiting for my swimmer - who just had brain surgery last December - emerge from the water and run toward me, completely thrilled with herself because she did not stop swimming once.  She was so proud of herself, and the smile and sense of pride was beaming from her. That was my other motivation for me when I wanted to walk at one point.  If Christee can swim 6 months after brain surgery without stopping, surely I can run for 3 miles without stopping.  Now granted, she was in the cool ocean and it was a third of a mile as opposed to my 3.2 miles in the blistering sun - but you know where I'm coming from.  And at the finish line, they let my biker and swimmer join me for the last few hundred yards so we can cross the finish line together, so that was really nice as well. I can't wait until next year.  I hope I can do better with the fundraising, though....

Of course, I got a migraine after the race, but I can't complain, because it stayed away DURING the race so I could complete it.  My pace was slower than normal, but that's ok.  It's my first race in about 5 years, so I'll give myself a break.  I think  I'll sign up for another one right off, though so I keep it up. 

A little Maine Inspiration

I've been trying to run.  Really, I have.  But I keep getting migraines 20 minutes into the run.  Do you know it's really hard to motivate yourself to run when you know you can expect a migraine halfway through?  Truly, it is. 
But the Tri is this Sunday, so I've been pretty stressed out about it - to tears, actually.  It sucks to know you can do something - and really, REALLY want to do it - if it weren't for one stupid thing.  Thankfully, I've had a breakthrough.
I think the first part of the breakthrough was Sunday.  The entire Murray clan was in Gville for our annual family reunion/camping trip.  Matt, Cathy, and I took the kiddos hiking up Mt. Kineo for the first time.  This is mine and Matt's favorite spot in the entire world.  It has the most breath taking views you'll find anywhere.  Period.  It's only a mile hike, but the Indian Trail is a bit tough because you're actually doing a bit of rock climbing - but you're climbing up the side of the mountain so you have views of the lake the whole way up.  Stunning. Heavenly. Spiritual. This is where I'm home. This is where I'm most proud - of everything: me, my family, my hometown, my roots - everything.  Matt and I explained the history of the mountain to the kids. Ironically, it was the first time Matt & I had climbed it together.  (a little sibling bragging rights here: Matt had only ever done the easier Bridle Trail before while I'd only ever hiked the Indian Trial, so I had to lead - hehe.  He actually gave me props to our parents as being a great hiker!)  So this hike calmed me. Refocused me.
Today was the second breakthrough.  It's my first day without a migraine. Yesterday was my third day of PT for a shoulder/neck issue and my neck is feeling great.  I did some great stretches this morning, the weather is great, and I uploaded a new The Killers cd on my ipod.  I ended up running for 30 minutes non-stop and walked for another 40.  My run brought me by Bug Light and Spring Point, where I stopped to cool down and stretch a bit. I sat on a bench and just looked out over the ocean and let the breeze cool me down.  Such a gorgeous day.  Then I just walked around the park for a bit before I headed home on the Greenbelt Trail...which I happen to live right on!  I can't wait to do this tomorrow!! 
How did I get so  lucky that I get to take advantage of the beauty of Moosehead Lake AND the Atlantic Ocean and the lighthouses the go with it?  Seriously?

Gettin' Ready

Now that I'm (almost) moved into my apartment, it's time to start focusing on my new job.  I've spent the past two days working with my two new coworkers on developing our curriculum  at the K-8 level (the HS teachers are working on theirs and then we'll pull it together).  In the fall we all have to do a presentation tot he school board.  Nothing like be thrown right in to the thick of things.  Two weeks after school starts, I'll be in front of the school board explaining my curriculum - which I haven't had a chance to fine tune.  Oye.  No pressure. 
It was actually a really good two days, though.  Spending this time on the curriculum will help me in the next few weeks as I pull together my lesson plans.  Now I have a plan.  A map of what my expectations are and how to get there.  That's more than I had at my old school.  So that's good.  I also gave me two days to work with my two coworkers and get to know them a bit.  I got the keys to my room and my laptop.  I got my email address and got set up in the system.  So it was a good couple of days, and I feel more comfortable going into school this summer now.
Friday I head to Gville for the annual family reunion on the lot.  But when I get home, I'll start heading into school a couple days a week to really get situated so I'm prepared in the fall.  There's still so much to do, but suddenly it's not so overwhelming.
Bring it.

Growin' Up

I am currently sitting by myself in my very own apartment, drinking a glass of Malbec, watching Confessions of a Shopaholic.  Let me focus your attentions on the words "my very own apartment".  Yes...I am a big girl now.  No more living with the parental units.  YIPPEE.

Only...I'm kind of a scaredy cat, so I'm a bit nervous. For realzies, man. And I have about 30 episodes of Criminal Minds playing through my head.  And I keep wondering why the last tenant wasn't here for very long.  And while I was taking a (very much needed ) shower, I kept waiting for a serial killer to tear the shower curtain off to the music of  Psycho.  And I have a feeling I'm going to sleep with every light in my apartment on.

Oh yes...I'm a big girl now.

Criminal Mind

I have recently discovered Criminal Minds.  I'm a bit shocked I haven't been watching this from the very beginning because A. it's a crime show and B. the early years starred Mandy Patinkin, whom I adore.  Regardless, I think in the past few weeks, I'm about caught up, thanks to numerous marathons on ION, AE and good ol DVR. (and clearly no life).
Other than becoming even more of a homebody than I already am, this show has had another dangerous effect (affect?  I never get that one right) on me.  The other day I went running on a new (new to me) bike path.  I'm always nervous running on a new path by myself, but due to the insane amount of hours spent catching up on the BAU (Behavioral As I was running, I saw a little girls bike randomly parked near the woods.  Curious.  I slowed down to a slower pace and began looking around a bit - no one else was on the path with me.  I took my headphones off so I could listen for sounds as I scoped the woods while I ran.  I noticed a man walking leisurely towards me and noted everything about his appearance.  I finally decided to turn back because I had seen a cop parked on the side of the road.  And I thought there is no reason this bike should be parked on the edge of the woods by itself.  I kind of knew I was being ridiculous, so I just jogged my regular pace back, but I just kept thinking that if something was wrong, I would feel horrible if I hadn't done something.  As I got close to my car, I saw two other girls my age on bikes.  I stopped them to see if they knew anything and they had seen a family ahead of them with a little girl and saw them park the bike b/c the girl was tired.  So all was good, and I would've felt ridiculous if I'd gone to the cop and said something....
But - wouldn't you do the same thing?  Would you have taken a chance on a little girl being in danger and let it be?  Or would  you have said something to the cop just in case?  It sucks that I'm such a paranoid person b/c I know I overreact sometimes, but I can't help it! 
Anyway...all is good. But I'm kind of thinking that when I move into my new apartment - by myself - I may have to give up my new found Criminal Minds.  Boo.

Closing the door...

Ahhhh....

Ahhhh......


Today was the last day of school.  Today was my last day of school at WMS.  It is bittersweet.  I love my kiddos and most of the people I work with, and I will miss them so, so much.  But it has been an exhausting year. I'm ready to move on.  I'm ready to move into my new apartment (which I just secured).  I'm ready to start getting my new classroom ready.  I'm ready to pick out new music.  I'm ready for Grad School (sort of).  I'm ready to work at a school where my subject is considered important enough that they ensure all students study it every year for the same amount of time as the other subjects.  I'm ready for a bit more peace and security.

But most of all...right now...I'm ready for summer.

Kids Say The Funniest Things....

My question on a worksheet:   Who wrote Watermelon Man?

Student Answer:  Herpie Handcock


(cannot tell you how much I needed that laugh today!)

Ready...Set...Go!

New job...check.  Grad school...check.  Apartment...ch...wait...working on that.  Tri for the Cure....HOLY CRAP!!! That's right around the corner!!!  Like...in a month and a half!!  Remember way back in, oh...say, February, when I registered and was all super psyched to get going and be super duper fast by the time the race came around?  Remember that?  Yeah...I haven't really begun training yet.  Well, until Sunday.  Sunday was Day 1...I like this training guide because you get to rest on Day 2 :)  So today I ran again....and no headache.  Woot! 
So if I follow this training, I should be able to do this 5K at the end of July...wish me luck!

It's so nice to have my life back after the complete stressful chaos of the past few months :)

ps - funny story:  the kiddos are nutso - completely checked and ready for summer vaca.  Today I had 3 horrible classes and then chorus.  So I'm struggling with chorus and had just had enough.  Finally, I just put my chorus music away - while every one is just chatting away ignoring me completely - and I just start playing the piano.  Random classical music.  Gradually they started asking what I was doing but I ignored them and continued with my mediation.  And they began to listen.  I did this for the last 5 minutes of class.  It was bliss.....I'll have to remember this :)

You'd Better Sit Down....

So blogs can be used for a variety of reasons - usually to keep in touch, to use as a sort of journal, or to express one's views on issues.  As a teacher, I have to be very careful what I post, because no matter how secure I keep this blog, this is the internet and things can get out, become misinterpreted, offend people, seem unprofessional, and I can loose my job.  So I've kept quiet for the past 3 months while some things went on at school. (Even though I REALLY could've used a place to vent)  A very long story short:  it was budget season.  My position wasn't on the line...then it was, but before it was, our district found money from the state...but we were told that jobs that were on the line this year will definitely be on the line next year...which means my position is on the line next year.  While I personally would be safe because there was a music teacher hired after me, I wouldn't know what I would be teaching.  So...during all of this uncertainty, I applied for a middle school music position at Cape Elizabeth.  Over 50 people applied...5 were interviewed.  I interviewed on a Friday, and at 9:00am the following Monday they called and offered me the job.  YIPPEE!!! 
This is a fantastic opportunity for me, as I will be teaching general music to grades 5 - 8 (instead of just grade 6) and there is more time in the schedule for chorus.  The down side is that the 5th & 6th grade chorus meets before school, but there is a stipend.  The music budget is much bigger, which is nice, as well.  I really, REALLY like that music is taken by all grade levels - it shows a real understanding and appreciation for the benefits and importance of music in a child's complete education.  There is also a chance that this could become a HS position in a few years, because the HS choral program is very weak, and they want to build that as well.  So....YEAH!!!

So, now I'm starting Grad School in the fall....starting a new job in the fall...and, oh yeah, I'm the chair person for District I for Maine Music Educator's Association. What else can we throw in there???

Now I'm just looking for an apartment.  Dad's last day is June 15, so he'll move down permanantly after that.  There's no real rush, other than I'd like to not live with my parents, and my parents would love to have their house to themselves...

So it has become clear, I am officially entering yet ANOTHER new phase of my life.  Bring it :)

I Get By With A Little Help From...

God...or Angels....or some higher being.

There are so many negative things going on right now.  Every night I go to bed and ask God to look over this person - sometimes I know them, sometimes not - or that situations.  Sometimes it's something trivial - I am guilty of the "Please let me meet Mr. Wonderful soon".  Sometimes it's so overwhelmingly large that it seems impossible. "Please do not let there be a nuclear catastrophe in Japan".  The last month it's been a lot of "Please don't let the district cut my job". Regardless, there is so much negative going on that I can do nothing about.  I have an extreme feeling of helplessness.  And that's not my nature.  I don't handle that well.  In fact, it makes me depressed.  No matter how many times I text $10 to the Red Cross, it's not enough. On a smaller note, I seem to have taken the morale of the entire country personally and have considered moving to Canada because I just feel awful about how mean everyone is to each other.  For real. And there's nothing I can do about how people treat each other.  There's nothing I can say to the Governor of Maine or Wisconsin to make them understand how disrespectful they are being to people who want little more than to teach.  We just want to make enough to make a decent living.  And it's not what they are doing - it's they way they are doing it.  And it's everyone's reaction to it.  Everyone is so disrespectful to each other. And then I think...but at least we didn't have an earthquake, a tsunami and are now facing nuclear threats.  It's just too much. I'm sad.  I'm stressed.  I'm impatient.  I'm depressed.  I'm a pessimist.  I'm a glass half empty.  I cry at the tv an computer.
So last night, I lay in bed and began my chat with God.  I went through my normal routine of helping everyone who needs it more than me.  And then I lost it. And I cried.  And cried. And I realized....right now, I need help.  And I asked for it.  I needed help dealing with everything going on.  I'm overwhelmed with emotions right now and I just needed help.  And almost instantly I was given a huge breath.  And then another.  And I relaxed.  I and woke up this morning knowing nothing had changed in the world, but I felt better prepared to handle them. I had a good day with the kids.  The pit in my stomach is gone and I felt like I could smile.  And I went for a walk.
So my friends, I know you all.  You are all kind and good and giving people.  You are all selfless.  But don't forget to ask for help for yourselves as well.  If you don't believe in God, meditate.  Take time for yourself and figure it out.  

Love & Peace,
'Cois

A bit more uplifting

So we have good days and bad days, right?  I don't like the bad days...and I don't like it when my friends have to hear about it, so my apologies for my pity party yesterday.
Today was better.  It was a long ass day.  It started the same - got to school at 6:45 a-freakin'-m.  That should just be illegal, but whatevs.  The power went out about 4 times throughout the day.  Not sure why...but one student started the rumor that our schools was THE only school in the state of Maine that was open because power was out every where.  I promised the kids a party every day for the next 2 weeks if that turned out to be true.  I was confident I would win this bet.  They were, too.  Silly kids.  After school I had rehearsal with my students who are going to the honors festival and then I had a voice lesson with my 8th grade student who you will one day see on American Idol.  Then I quickly went to KFC to get gourmet mac & cheese, drove through Dunks for some coffee and drove back to school for rehearsals for Westbrook Idol to act as "vocal coach" to the contestants.  That lasted until 9:30.  I. Am. TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.  Yup.  Wiped.  Zonked. Pooped. Tuckered out.  But....it was so great, because this contest is open to all of Westbrook - not just students - adults, too.  And 5 of my students made it.  And they're really good.  2 of them have a good shot at getting into the final 5...maybe even 3 of them.  My cheeks hurt from smiling tonight.  So I am a very proud teacher right now.  I was in my glory, let me tell you.  And a couple former students made it, too...yup...happy Ms. Murray today.  

But now I'm tired...going nighty night so the happy, proud Ms. Murray does not become psycho, grumpy Ms. Murray tomorrow.  Children beware :)

This one might be a ramble folks because this one is a brain dump.  If you've watched the news at all over the past couple of weeks, you've heard all the reports about cuts in education that are pretty much inevitable.  Despite the fact that we need to invest in education in order to compete economically globally, I understand  that we're in a bad situation an cuts need to happen.  I get it.  Really, I do.  But I'm going to be honest.  I have no more to give. All these "average" teacher salaries that are being reported?  Yeah...that's after about 10 years of teaching...which means I have about 7 or 8 more years before I'm at the average salary.  In the meantime, I'm 35 and living with my mother.  I make $35,000 a year.  Yes, that is more than many, and I consider myself incredibly lucky to have a job.  The cherry on top is that I truly, truly love my job.  But I really don't know how much longer I can afford to have my job.  Especially now that I'm getting my own apartment.  Teaching is soon going to be an occupation that is only used as a second income.  We're going to loose quality, passionate, committed teachers because no one can afford to be a teacher.  Yes, some schools provide ridiculously amazing benefits packages that pay 100% of benefits.  My school is not one of them.  Can I pay a bit more of my benefits...maybe a bit more.  But I'm really afraid they're going to require me to pay a lot more.  I'm really nervous.  I'm nervous that they are going to ask so much of me that I'll have to get a job other than lessons...which means waitressing until midnight on school nights.  Which means exhaustion and migraines.  I can't do that.  And it makes me sad.  Because then I'd be back behind a desk. It's like...I spend 7 years in Boston figuring out what I want to do.  I figure it out and I get to do it for a few years and realize this is what I was born to do.  And then it turns out I may not be able to do this for the rest of my life.  UGH!
I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but I feel like I have to think about this stuff.  It's so discouraging.  But thank God, I get to ignore these thoughts between the hours of 7 and 4 when I'm with my students.  At least for now I get to continue to do what I love.  God willing I'll always get to do this....
Sorry for the downer...it's just been on my mind.

A Democrat w/black nail polish

It's been a big week for me.  As promised, I did register as a Democrat -yay!  Apparently, this made me feel emboldened because I painted my nails black.  This is something I've always wanted to do as well, but never did.  There are a few reasons for this.  Mainly...it's too high maintenance.  Seriously...it chips and it looks awful so then I have to redo them.  I just paint them clear or light pink and then no one notices (I'm no dummy!).  I also don't want to appear emo or goth to my students.  While I encourage them to discover themselves, I feel there has to be a separation between their style and mine.  I also didn't think it looked good.  But now that I keep my nails short for my master guitar playing skills (hah!), it looks kinda cool.  So I'm going with it.

I am a bad ass emo goth Democrat.  Next week...blue streaks in my hair.  Possibly black lipstick.

Commitment

I am taking a huge step toward commitment this week. I am officially becoming a Democrat. It's ok...you can laugh.  I know it sounds ridiculous that this is a big deal.  But it is.  I mean, when I was 18, I think I was quite responsible when I registered as an Independent.  I mean, what did I know?  While I THOUGHT I was a Democrat, I didn't presume to know myself that well at such a young age.  I mean, even then I knew I was raised pretty sheltered.  And I wanted to make sure I really knew and understood what I believed...and that I wasn't just believing these things because that's how I was raised.  Make sense?  Well, fast forward XX amount of years.  I think it's safe to say I am ABSOLUTELY, WITHOUT A DOUBT A DEMOCRAT.  And I have been for many, many years.  But I've just never taken the extra step to make it official...because that's a commitment right there, folks.  And that gives me heart palpitations.  For realz.  To be a little fair...I was holding off a little bit because I wasn't sure if I was fiscally conservative.  But I"m not.  I'm a Dem through and through.  I'm been thinking about making this official for about a year now for a couple reasons. Mainly because I've had this feeling that I want to get a bit more involved with campaigns, and I'd like to vote in primaries.  The final straw was this past Sunday when I was literally standing in the  middle of my friend's living room yelling at the tv during Meet the Press.  It was at that moment that I realized that like it or not, I'm invested in politics.  I will never run for an office, but my heart is in it.  So...this week I will register with the Democratic Party. 
So....anyone know how I do that?  :)

I'm still here...

...in case you were wondering.
Holy crap.  So remember when I first started taking the Topomax and one of the side effects was the mushy dumb ass brain?  Here's what I've learned: When you're more overtired than you ever been before,  these side effects are triple, duple worse. I mean...I am dumb.  Think of the dumbest character - real or not.  Actually, think of your top ten dumbest people, real or fiction.  Now combine them into one person.  Now multiply that by 10.  Then take out half of that "person's" brain.  Puncture holes what remains in the brain.  Now,  put an itty bitty fog machine in the brain and let it run 24/7.  That's me.  Get the picture?  Now...put me in front of 200 middle school students each day.  Now...have them all ask me questions that I'm supposed to know the answers to.  I'm not even talking about music questions.  I'm talking basic, "how are you".  Me: "um...can you repeat the question?" 

Good news:  Tomorrow is Friday.  More good news:  Next week is vacation.  Woot.  Or - as I am more likely to say this week - "toow".  Get it?

Training Time!

We're in!  I got an email on Saturday saying a spot was our for the Tri for the Cure.  So we're all signed up.  Woot!!!

So now the training begins.  My goal is to be fast, fast, FAST!  I figure since I have the easiest leg of the race, I have to be the fastest.  I've gotta make my hard working partners-in-crime proud!!  Christee is so excited, and we've named ourselves Team Christee in her honor.  I'm looking forward to getting to know her better over the next few months.  We're friends on Facebook now, and looking at her pictures, she has not let cancer slow her down.  She has 14 more rounds of radiation, but just got the ok to go skiing.  Can you imagine? She has 2 little girls.  And she is not only smiling in every picture, she is absolutely radiant in every picture.  Now I'm not naive.  I know there are no pictures of her sick from the radiation.  But that's not the point.  I know all my beautiful friends reading this, and you know what I'm getting at.  So, I've got to run 3 miles.  When I was running 5K's in Boston, I was running just over 10 minute miles.  I'm so far from that right now, but if I could get back to that I'd be happy.  That's my goal.  Of course, my leg is going to be right at noon...of course.  But I'm not complaining.  Christee is in the middle of radiation and is going to swim in July.  I will run 3 miles in just over 30 minutes.  Period.  And I will love every minute of it.  And if I get a migraine, I will have a lovely shot of imitrex waiting for me at the finish line....

If you would like to donate to the cause, please click on the link below.  All of the money donated for the Tri for the Cure stays in the state of Maine.

http://tfac2011.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=452487&supid=320267669

Tri for the Cure

For the past two years, very good friends of mine have raced in the Tri for the Cure, while I played the loyal - and very loud - cheerleader.  I also provided room and board, as they were traveling from Boston and NH.  This was great for the 1st year, and pretty good last year.  I wanted to race, too.  But - as usual - I didn't feel I could, because of migraines.  Cripes, I couldn't even run 2 miles w/o getting a migraine, how in the world was I going to swim and bike as well? 

Shortly after this past year's race, my friend Steph and I decided we'd do the relay. I used to be a good runner, and used to run 5K races quite frequently.  Sure, there was a very good chance that I would end up with a migraine, but it was the last leg of the race, so I could finish the run and quickly go get some medicine.  I mean, seriously, how can I complain about a 5K run followed by a migraine that I can take care of relatively quickly, when there are ladies running this race who have very recently recovered from cancer?  I can't.  Steph had biked the Trek across Maine, so the bike leg of the Tri would be cake for her, so we just needed a runner.  While discussing this at Venue over the summer, someone at the bar overheard us and said she'd like to join us.  She herself had just won her battle against breast cancer - she is my age.  She had no problem taking on the challenge of the swim.  We gladly took her on as a teammate.   Her name is Christee.

I found out this past week that Christee found out over the holidays - because that's the perfect time for horrible news - that the cancer had spread to the lining of her brain (I think I got that right?) and had just had brain surgery, and is now going through radiation.  Let me remind you, she is  my age (35).  And she still wants to do the Tri for the Cure.  It will give her something to work towards and focus on as she recovers.  Of course, there is the chance that she may not be able to race, but that's not always the point, is it? 

As it turns out, we did not get a spot for the Tri.  It sold out in about 2 minutes.  We're on the waiting list, so there's still a chance.  In the meantime, Steph and I are hoping that Christee will take us up on our offer to run a few 5k's with us this summer.  Not quite the intensity of the Tri, but it'll still give her something to work towards.  My friends - please say a little prayer for my new friend Christee. How are there people like Christee, who can even THINK of a triathalon so soon after BRAIN surgery and in the middle of radiation?  That right there is a strength I like to think I have, but I'm just not sure I do.  Seriously, just the thought of this makes me want to curl up into fetal position.  I barely know this person and I have so much admiration for her.  I am so disappointed that we didn't get into this race for her.  I feel like I would do anything to be able to participate in this.  Fingers crossed that somehow our name comes up on the waiting list....

Sha-ZAM!

Today my 7th grade boys sight read during sectionals.  Like...all by themselves.  Like, I sang DO for them, and they took it from there - including hand signs.  Can I get a WOOT WOOT?!  

I've been using solfege in warm ups since I began teaching, but this past summer I took a class on how to teach music literacy using solfege.  I started with baby steps - using the signs "in the air" and then having them read on the white board.  Two weeks ago I started easing them into reading actual music.  We've been working on the same freakin' example (about 10 measures) using Do - Sol.  Well today in sectionals the guys just went to town!  I guess they were a bit board with that example and asked to go on to the next two...so we did.  They did both examples at about 90%.  THEN...nope it doesn't stop there...THEN!!!  one boy asks if he can lead the other guys instead of me.  WHAT?  Of course, you can, buddy!!  

How freakin' great is this???  I'm not sure if I'm more excited that they're actually learning how to read music, or that they're really excited and having fun with it.  Oh happy day!!

One more vent...

I really do try not to complain.  I think it's a waste of energy.  On the other hand, I think sometimes, just getting out that one good vent (or in this case, two vents) allows me to move on.  Like...if I just allow myself to vocalize my frustration to someone, I can release it.  I'm sure I'm not the only one.  What I hate is when people vent and vent and vent.  Otherwise known as complain and complain and complain. What I hate even more is when people complain and don't do anything to try to remedy their situation.  They're just "satisfied" with being miserable.   I think everyone gets a grace period, to vent and honestly feel a little sorry for ourselves for a bit.  But then it's honestly time to buck up and make something happen.  And if you don't get immediate results, try plan B.  And if that doesn't work, consult with friends and family and look into resources and see what other options there are.  Because there are always options, my friends. 

I know that people laugh at me and shake their head at me frequently.  Why?  Well, I do give ample opportunities for people to laugh at me.  But to stay on topic, I'm an optimist.  Most of the time this is just a natural characteristic.  But not always.  I, too, get discouraged and frustrated.  I, too, want to stomp my foot and whine and say it's just not fair.  I, too, get really bummed out sometimes because it just seems that sometimes things are just handed to some people and I work my butt off at a job that gets little respect and pays less.  But after my grace period, I make a conscious effort to be optimistic again.  Why?  Because honestly, it's easier.  It takes less energy.  I feel better.  I'm happier.  I have better people around me.  I make people happy.  I can do anything when I feel good.  And when I am complaining and feeling sorry for myself, I do not feel good.  People mistake this characteristic for being naive and immature or flighty (ok...I can be flighty, especially w/this new migraine med).  Sorry to disappoint, my friends (and foes).

I wish more people could be like this. I feel like we would be a more productive society if we would stop dwelling on what is wrong. If we could turn that negative energy into positive energy, we could be proactive and creative.  AND KIND!  It seems so simple, doesn't it?  I guess now I AM being naive....sigh.

Brrr.

Have I mentioned I work in a brand new state of the art Middle School?  We moved in 1 year ago to be exact.  And one year ago, I realized it was very, very cold...despite the thermal heat floors....which apparently where not given to the music wing for some reason.  But I thought - hey, it's a new building, I'm not going to complain because the custodians are learning a new, ridiculous system and there are bound to be some quirks.  So every once in a while I'd put a bug in their ear just so it didn't fall off their radar.  Well, then spring came and all was forgotten, when it became really, REALLY hot.
Guess what?  Now that Maine is having the coldest temps in...oh...FOREVER....my heat still isn't fixed. Friends, it's so cold I can see my breath.  It's so cold I can't play the piano because my hands are so cold.  It's so freakin' cold I have to wear 7 layers - not only to keep warm, but because my nipples are hard from the cold.
I love winter - for realz, I do.  But I like winter better with, like 20-30 degree weather when you can enjoy the outdoors. This is redonks...

Decisions, decisions...

I'm not sure what is going on with me, but it seems I'm making major life decisions left and right.  To buy a house or not buy a house? When to move out into my own apt (April 1st, as I've decided the least I can do for my parents is stay through the winter to help shovel since mom cannot, and they've been so good to me)? Should I go to Grad School or not?  And if so, should I hold off and take some refresher courses first?  Well....I am currently pulling everything together to apply for fall classes.  No refresher classes.  Just diving in.  I've written the required essay on professional goals, and have requested the three letters of recommendations - one is already completed.  Now I just have to video myself teaching and add that to some video of me conducting in a concert and throw it in the mail.  EEKS!  Why did I decide to not take the refresher courses?  Well...because I'm a moron.  No...I jest.  I guess I just figure I can continue to delay this and doubt myself, or I can dive in and see what happens.  The worse thing that can happen is that I take a step back if I find it's too hard, right? So honestly, I'll probably just take one class next fall.  This is going to be a very long process...years.  YEARS!  Oye.  Eeks!  Cripes. I have heart palpitations and I haven't even been accepted yet. Can I just be done with big decisions for a while, please?  I don't like them!!  I'm not good at them...

Winter Wonderland

Winter in Maine sucked last year.  I think we had one big snowstorm.  And it was on a long weekend, so I didn't even get a snow day out of it from school!  Boo!!!  This year, however, ROCKS!  Actually, this week rocks! Last Wednesday we had a snow day, and today we had early release - which is actually better because we go home early - but we're at school long enough that it counts as a full day of school, so we don't have to make it up in June.  Woot!  I don't even mind shoveling...well, mostly.  
This past Sunday I went snowshoeing for the first time.  It was so fantastic!  It was a gorgeous day and the snow was still fresh from the previous storm. We ended up on a snowmobile trail by accident, so it was all packed down, which we didn't really want.  But I guess it was actually ok considering it was my first time snowshoeing.  It was so beautiful outside in the woods...I heart winters in Maine.  The rec dept in Windham actually lets its residents borrow LL Bean snowshoes for the weekend for free, which is pretty cool.  I can't wait to do it again.  I'm so happy to be back here....The Way Life Should Be.  True story.

(I would like a little help shoveling, though...)

Catching a Clue

Umm...my  mother has been looking online for apartments for me for a good 2 hours.  Is she trying to tell me something?  Is it possible that she wants me out of here as much as I want to leave? Well,, I doubt that...but it might be close.  OK, Ma.  I get it.  Now that the buying decision is made, I'll start looking, too....

Decision Made...

After  months of thought...and deciding...and rethinking...and so on...I have decided to put the house purchase on hold for a year.  I had thought that when Dad moved down here at the end of the school year, I would buy a condo or small house.  And while I could do it...I can barely do it.  And I'm just not comfortable with that.  I feel like for the first time in my life, I'm in a really good spot financially, and in the next few months my car will be paid off, so things will only get better.  If I jump the gun and buy a house too soon, I run the risk of setting myself back financially.  And I'm just not willing to do that.  So I'm going to rent for a year and reevaluate.  I know that renting is "throwing away money".  But there are times when buying is not the right option either, and I believe this is the case for me right now.  A year can make a huge difference for me.  I feel really good about this decision.  Tomorrow and next Saturday I'm taking a 1st time home buyers class, which will give me many benefits when the time comes.  Another year will give me a year's saving for a down payment.  All my ducks will be in order so I'll be ready to pull the trigger when the right opportunity presents itself.  I've been looking around for about 5 months or so for houses in my price range - which for a single, 3rd year teacher is not very high! - and there's not a lot out there.  They all require a lot of work.  Translation:  you buy them cheap, but need money for renovation.  So there.  I love making a decision.  Especially when you've the research and really weighed the pros and cons so you can really confident about the decision.  Yay!  Now...just gotta find an apartment!!!

I Love Oprah!

There I said it.  I've resisted it for 25 years.  I used to be annoyed because, even though one can't deny all the amazingly wonderful things she does for so many people, it always bugged me how public she made it.  And every interview always became about her. UGH!!  Drove me nuts.  But you know what...she's grown on me.  I kind of like her. Whatever her quirks - and we all have them - she really uses her celebrity and her money to help our world and society.  And you know what - she SHOULD get credit for that.  She SHOULD give herself a pat on the back. So there you have it.  I love her.  Now...anyone know how I can meet her??

Favorite Books of 2010

I love to read.  I mean, really, truly, love to read.  I can't get enough of it.  I can easily be up until 2:00 am so enthralled in a book that I've completely lost track of time.  This can go on for several days until I finish the book.  In the summer, this isn't problem because I can sleep in.  During the school year, however, my alarm clock chimes in at 5:30...so by the 3rd or 4th day of this routine and I'm toast.  But I can't help it.  I love to read.  And while I love the library, I really love to buy books.  It's my vice.  I suppose in the grand scheme of things, it's not a bad vice, but it sure is expensive.  
Anyway, my friends are always interested in what I'm reading, and I love to talk about my latest "find".  So here are my favorite books of 2010, in no particular order (because I find it hard to name favorites - other than my all time favorite, "To Kill a Mockingbird", which got me into reading in the first place).

1. Armageddon by Leon Uris
    I love Leon Uris...I love historic fiction - especially anything during World War II and having to do with the Holocaust.  This story takes place while the allies are helping rebuild Berlin and trying to control how much influence Russia and Communism will have.  Uris' characters and their struggles are heart wrenching.  He makes you ask questions you never thought of.  I love him. Also read Exodus - this is a must read - and will help you understand the Israeli/Palestinian conflict that still exists today.


2. South of Broad by Pat Conroy
   Pat Conroy's books are all about relationships to me - and this one is about the strong, but unlikely friendships that were built and how years later, they were crucial to their survival.  That's his other constant theme - survival.  But one's survival is with the help of strong relationships.  Other good books by him are Prince of Tides and Beach Music. 


3. Of Bees and Mist by Erick Setiawan
    I love how this book is written - it reminds me of a fable.  I think that's what I loved about it.  It's not a page turner.  I was not up until 2:00 am.  It was a relaxing read every now and then.  But I loved the story and I loved how it was written.

4. Same Kind of Different as Me by Ron Hall and Denver Moore
    I learned a lot about myself.  I had to question how I look at homeless people and how I would react in situations.  I'm not sure I would like my reactions.  I also learned a lot about  my faith.  I always like books that make take a good look at myself and that gives me food for thought when it comes to faith.

5. Girl With the Dragon Tattoo series by Stieg Larsson
   These books are pure entertainment - very Jason Bourne-ish.  Page turning, and yes - I was definitely up until 2am.  I think I finished all 3 books in a week.  Thankfully I waited until summer to start the series. Larsson does write about crimes against women in these books - with quite a bit of detail.  Sometimes this is difficult to read - but this graphic writing only occurs a couple times in each book, and to be honest, is necessary to get the severity of these crimes across.  If you have a week stomach, you can probably skip a paragraph or two and still enjoy the book.


6. Stephanie Plum series by Janet Evanovich
   With all the historic fiction and memoirs I enjoy, sometimes my brain just needs a break.  The Stephanie Plum series is mindless entertainment.  My best friend (also a Stephanie) has been trying to get me to read them for years....and kept telling me that I reminded her of the main character.  Sadly...it's true.  If I were a bounty hunter, these escapades would be mine, not this fictitious character's.  I should be insulted by this comparison...but I'm too busy laughing.

7. Little Bee by Chris Cleave
   This book is a slower read, but once again gives you perspective on something you probably never really thought of before.  This is about a girl who came into London illegally for refuge.  She tried to do everything right, but these are her bureaucratic challenges. I don't remember if this is a true story or not...

8. Getting the Pretty Back by Molly Ringwald
   Cute, easy read.  She's not a brilliant writer by any means.  But it's just a book reminding females to take care of themselves and enjoy themselves.  Everything from wine to cheese to a good pair of jeans.  Good music to good books to having courage to meet new people and take new adventures.  A nice "feel good" book.  I actually bought it as a Christmas present and then decided to read it first (I bought a new copy as a gift, don't worry!)

9. Half Broke Horse by Jeannette Walls
   This book is about the author's grandmother, who was mentioned in her first memoir, The Glass Castle (also a Must Read).  Her grandmother was quite the independent female, especially for her time.  A smart, feisty spirit, she was capable of anything.  Great memoir.  


10. Beneath a Marble Sky by John Shors
     I actually read this about 5 or so years ago and loved it.  It's one of my favorites ever.  It is about the family that actually had the Taj Mahal built, so part of the reason I love it is that it explains some of the architecture of that amazing monument. But it's also a love story. And a story about a family's turmoil.  And a story of the daughter's decisions that she has to make throughout her life.  Beautiful.

I hope you enjoy these books as much as I have.  I'm always looking for new reads, so please send me ideas, too!  Happy New Year!!