I Get By With A Little Help From...

God...or Angels....or some higher being.

There are so many negative things going on right now.  Every night I go to bed and ask God to look over this person - sometimes I know them, sometimes not - or that situations.  Sometimes it's something trivial - I am guilty of the "Please let me meet Mr. Wonderful soon".  Sometimes it's so overwhelmingly large that it seems impossible. "Please do not let there be a nuclear catastrophe in Japan".  The last month it's been a lot of "Please don't let the district cut my job". Regardless, there is so much negative going on that I can do nothing about.  I have an extreme feeling of helplessness.  And that's not my nature.  I don't handle that well.  In fact, it makes me depressed.  No matter how many times I text $10 to the Red Cross, it's not enough. On a smaller note, I seem to have taken the morale of the entire country personally and have considered moving to Canada because I just feel awful about how mean everyone is to each other.  For real. And there's nothing I can do about how people treat each other.  There's nothing I can say to the Governor of Maine or Wisconsin to make them understand how disrespectful they are being to people who want little more than to teach.  We just want to make enough to make a decent living.  And it's not what they are doing - it's they way they are doing it.  And it's everyone's reaction to it.  Everyone is so disrespectful to each other. And then I think...but at least we didn't have an earthquake, a tsunami and are now facing nuclear threats.  It's just too much. I'm sad.  I'm stressed.  I'm impatient.  I'm depressed.  I'm a pessimist.  I'm a glass half empty.  I cry at the tv an computer.
So last night, I lay in bed and began my chat with God.  I went through my normal routine of helping everyone who needs it more than me.  And then I lost it. And I cried.  And cried. And I realized....right now, I need help.  And I asked for it.  I needed help dealing with everything going on.  I'm overwhelmed with emotions right now and I just needed help.  And almost instantly I was given a huge breath.  And then another.  And I relaxed.  I and woke up this morning knowing nothing had changed in the world, but I felt better prepared to handle them. I had a good day with the kids.  The pit in my stomach is gone and I felt like I could smile.  And I went for a walk.
So my friends, I know you all.  You are all kind and good and giving people.  You are all selfless.  But don't forget to ask for help for yourselves as well.  If you don't believe in God, meditate.  Take time for yourself and figure it out.  

Love & Peace,
'Cois

A bit more uplifting

So we have good days and bad days, right?  I don't like the bad days...and I don't like it when my friends have to hear about it, so my apologies for my pity party yesterday.
Today was better.  It was a long ass day.  It started the same - got to school at 6:45 a-freakin'-m.  That should just be illegal, but whatevs.  The power went out about 4 times throughout the day.  Not sure why...but one student started the rumor that our schools was THE only school in the state of Maine that was open because power was out every where.  I promised the kids a party every day for the next 2 weeks if that turned out to be true.  I was confident I would win this bet.  They were, too.  Silly kids.  After school I had rehearsal with my students who are going to the honors festival and then I had a voice lesson with my 8th grade student who you will one day see on American Idol.  Then I quickly went to KFC to get gourmet mac & cheese, drove through Dunks for some coffee and drove back to school for rehearsals for Westbrook Idol to act as "vocal coach" to the contestants.  That lasted until 9:30.  I. Am. TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.  Yup.  Wiped.  Zonked. Pooped. Tuckered out.  But....it was so great, because this contest is open to all of Westbrook - not just students - adults, too.  And 5 of my students made it.  And they're really good.  2 of them have a good shot at getting into the final 5...maybe even 3 of them.  My cheeks hurt from smiling tonight.  So I am a very proud teacher right now.  I was in my glory, let me tell you.  And a couple former students made it, too...yup...happy Ms. Murray today.  

But now I'm tired...going nighty night so the happy, proud Ms. Murray does not become psycho, grumpy Ms. Murray tomorrow.  Children beware :)

This one might be a ramble folks because this one is a brain dump.  If you've watched the news at all over the past couple of weeks, you've heard all the reports about cuts in education that are pretty much inevitable.  Despite the fact that we need to invest in education in order to compete economically globally, I understand  that we're in a bad situation an cuts need to happen.  I get it.  Really, I do.  But I'm going to be honest.  I have no more to give. All these "average" teacher salaries that are being reported?  Yeah...that's after about 10 years of teaching...which means I have about 7 or 8 more years before I'm at the average salary.  In the meantime, I'm 35 and living with my mother.  I make $35,000 a year.  Yes, that is more than many, and I consider myself incredibly lucky to have a job.  The cherry on top is that I truly, truly love my job.  But I really don't know how much longer I can afford to have my job.  Especially now that I'm getting my own apartment.  Teaching is soon going to be an occupation that is only used as a second income.  We're going to loose quality, passionate, committed teachers because no one can afford to be a teacher.  Yes, some schools provide ridiculously amazing benefits packages that pay 100% of benefits.  My school is not one of them.  Can I pay a bit more of my benefits...maybe a bit more.  But I'm really afraid they're going to require me to pay a lot more.  I'm really nervous.  I'm nervous that they are going to ask so much of me that I'll have to get a job other than lessons...which means waitressing until midnight on school nights.  Which means exhaustion and migraines.  I can't do that.  And it makes me sad.  Because then I'd be back behind a desk. It's like...I spend 7 years in Boston figuring out what I want to do.  I figure it out and I get to do it for a few years and realize this is what I was born to do.  And then it turns out I may not be able to do this for the rest of my life.  UGH!
I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but I feel like I have to think about this stuff.  It's so discouraging.  But thank God, I get to ignore these thoughts between the hours of 7 and 4 when I'm with my students.  At least for now I get to continue to do what I love.  God willing I'll always get to do this....
Sorry for the downer...it's just been on my mind.