No regrets

I've been spending a lot of time in my new classroom.  The classroom itself does not compare to Westbrook.  It's much smaller, and not new and shiney.  The technology is lacking.  There are no choral risers and fancy posture chairs.  There is no choral library - the music is stored in file cabinets that don't shut all the way, and that I have to fight with to open.  I have twenty keyboards around the perimeter of the room, 40 old school chairs with cracks in them so kids can have their butts pinched when they sit down, and a whole lotta African drums that I don't even know the names of.  Right now those drums are in the middle of the floor - in front of my desk.  In short...I need storage space.  So...with all of the fancy schmancy stuff in Westbrook, what do I miss the most?  The storage closet. 
Don't get me wrong.  I LOVED working in Westbrook.  I loved my colleagues - especially the Music Department and the Unified Arts Team.  But I loved the Principal and Vice Principal.  I loved my students.  I don't knwo why it was time to move on, but it was.  And I was a bit concerned I would regret this decision.  But I think the fact that I only miss the storage closet should be reassuring.

I have so much more to do before students come on Tuesday.  But to be honest - I wish they would come tomorrow.  I'm ready.  I'm excited.  I'm giddy.  I'm optimistic.  I'm relaxed.  I'm zen.  I'm barely nervous (that'll come Monday night). 

Dope Brain

It's come back...the drug brain.  When I can't complete a thought, never mind a sentence.  I am driving right past streets I know I should be turning onto....and to make it worse, I realize I'm doing this as I drive through the red light.  Like, SERIOUSLY, a red light.  Not a yellow light turning red.  A legit red light in a major intersection on Forest Ave.  And do you know what my thought was?  Not, "Phew - thank God for watching over me and everyone else, and me not causing an accident".  Nope - it was, "is there a cop around?  If I get pulled over, my car isn't inspected".  I was looking for my classroom keys when I was leaving today, to make sure I wasn't locking them in my room.  My co-worker was telling me she could lock my door for me, and my response was, "well, I just need to make sure I have them for yesterday".  Whaaaaa??   Again, with my co-worker, we've just gone over a few things I needed in my classroom and we were walking down the hall.  I stopped and had to ask what we were doing.  I honest to God had no freaking idea.  None.

I don't understand.  I remember when I first when on the Topomax this was a side effect.  But it seems like it wore off.  I mean, I know I loose my train of thought a bit more, but I'm not stupid like I am now.  The only thing I can think of is that with getting ready for school and all, I've having to think not only more and concentrate more, but I have to think on my toes a lot more.  And there is so much going on in my mind right now, that maybe I just have  hard time keeping it straight. 

I don't know....but I think I'm going to call my neurologist and see if I can decrease the topomax from 100 mg to 75mg.  I was going to start weening myself off it off the holidays anyway, but maybe I'll start sooner.  My migraines are doing pretty well right now, so we'll see what happens...

Morning Thoughts....

1. Phlebotomist:  I always appreciate a good phlebotomist.  Today I had blood drawn to check cholesterol. I hate having blood drawn.  I'm not afraid of needles - cripes, I give myself shots frequently for migraines.  But I don't give blood easily.  It usually involves 8-10 tries on each arm, despite me telling the person which arm an vein to use.  I feel bad telling them this - they are the experts, but I've learned over 35 years which one works.  Some are too proud, and feel they know better, so I have to sit through numerous tries.  (the same goes for IV's by the way - which especially sucks when I visit the ER for migraines....) But today I had the BESTEST phlebotomist EVER.  I politely asked her to try such and such vein first and she got it - first try.  I didn't even feel a pinch.  I was literally in and out in 3 minutes. 
Seriously, I will be requesting her going forward....

2. Adele: I love her.  I've loved her voice like everyone else, and loved the few songs I've heard on the radio.  But I just downloaded my first entire album. I think I can honestly say, I have never been so effected (affected - I'll be damned if I ever get those words right) by an artist.  I melt when I hear her voice.  I get choked up when I try to sing her songs - tear up, in fact.  I feel what she is singing, even though I honestly don't feel I have experienced what she is singing about - at least not to that depth.  So I shouldn't relate to her songs at this level - but I do.  I heard some celebrity say that they had not felt this way about an artist since Carole King - I think that is a good comparison.  Soul - music has been missing that lately.  I'm not sure I realized how much I missed that in music until Adele came along.  But I'm glad I've found it again.

That's it - Nancois' random thoughts for this Monday morning.

State of panic

You know when you get so overwhelmed with how much you have to do that you just don't do anything?  Yeah....that's where I'm at.  School starts in two weeks.  I still have not learned jack shit about African drumming.  I'm still HORRIBLE at the guitar.  I still have not ordered music because I keep going around and round on what to order.  I haven't written letters to parents because there is a major policy I want to change but I need to talk to admin first to make sure they will support me if - no WHEN parents complain.  And what's worse is that I now can't get into my room until Thursday because the floors are being stripped and waxed.  So most of this I could do at home....but instead, I just get stressed and overwhelmed, so instead I watch another DVR'd episode of Criminal Minds. 

Oye.

Wisdom of an older sister

I am an older sister.  You didn't know that did you?  Not by blood....but by our fathers were frat brothers.  If I had a Godfather, her dad would be mine.  She called me "sissy" growing up.  She is 5 years younger than me, and for years that was a huge deal.  But since I moved back to Maine, we've grown quite close. 

She's been in a relationship for 5 years with a guy who just isn't right for her.  I like him well enough.  He's a lot of fun to be around...successful...smart...provides well for her...has good intentions.  But he can't provide emotionally for her because of is own issues with his son.  And I don't see it changing....ever.  My friend will always come in fourth after his son, his ex wife and his job.  Always.  I wish she would break up with him.  I wish she could see that, at 30, she has her whole life ahead her.  She wants children, but admits that he can't handle right now...or possible ever.  He doesn't have room.  He sees her and his son as two separate entities - they will never be a family.  He's twelve years older than she is, and he doesn't fit in with her friends anymore.  He spends half his time in Massachusetts now to spend more time with his son. She is in a horrible slump where she feels let down by everyone, and feels horrible about herself.

I wish for her to find the strength to  let him go.  To stop feeling guilty for her own needs.  I wish for to see what she deserves, and to recognize that she may not get it from him.  And I wish for her to not be dependent on him.  And I wish for me to find a balance and know when to just listen, and when to give advice.  While I know what I want for her, I do not know what is best for her.  So I wish for me to be careful not to try to lead her in the direction I want her to take.  But I wish for her to have to strength to find the way to what is best for her.  She is a gem....and should be cherished as such.  It's amazing what 5 years of life can show...but I know she has to find her own way at her own pace on this one.  She will gain my wisdom in her own time. 

Chocolate Orgasm

I'm having a chocolate orgasm as I type.  Serious.  You see, during all the stress of the budget crisis/do I or do I not have a job and interviewing at Cape and Grad School stress of the spring (how I am not in fetal position still??), I seemed to have gained back a good portion of the weight I'd lost over the winter.  But, the past few weeks, I've been running again (finally!) and eating the way I used to.  Not really dieting - at least not consciously - but eating healthy.  I haven't really missed junk food, because I typically enjoy fruit more.  But man....it was rainy today.  And it's the Sunday before my period.  The perfect lazy day. The perfect binge day.

Thankfully, I'm smart and I know that once I start, I can't stop.  And thankfully Betty Crocker understands that we can't stop ourselves either and they created those lovely single-ish (sort of) serving desserts so we don't overindulge too much.  Just enough.  I've only eaten half....and....Ohhhh.....Goooodddd!

Music Therepy

Now that I have my own place, I have a lot of time to myself. Just me.  For a while, I watched a lot of tv.  Too much.  I'm ashamed to say how much, because I've never been one to overindulge in the boob-tube.  But I guess we all get sucked in occasionally, so I'll let it slide this once. The important thing is that I snapped out of it.  And moved on to reading - which is not so surprising, because I read all the time.  Well, then I finished my book.  Now what?  Ahhh....my piano.  During the school year, my piano gets neglected because I play all day at school.  But the thing is, I never play for myself.  I never just sit and learn songs and sing for me.  It's always choral music and warmup.  Well now....NOW...I'm playing for me.  I'm closing the windows so I can play and sing at the top of my lungs and not be embarrassed or worry about bothering my neighbors.  And, oh my, it's fabulous.  God, I love singing.  I mean, I really, REALLY love singing.  But I always felt weird about knowing I had a good voice.  I mean - isn't that a little vain?  Or, wanting people to hear me sing?  Isn't that weird?  But I do...so this time I recorded myself on Garage Band and sent it to my parents, and to my college friend who always listened to me while I was practicing for voice juries at the end of each semester.  I was going to post it here, but I can't figure out how to post an audio...oh well.

So, my new project is this - and I think my two followers (thanks Laura and Summer!) can help me with this: My college friend is having a baby in September.  I'd like to record for her a cd that she can play for the baby to help him/her go to sleep.  But not necessarily lullabyes.  Songs that are soothing, but songs that my friends would like, too.  Not kiddie songs.  Make sense?  So if you can think of any send them my way.  I'm better at piano, but can do really simple guitar songs, too...


Ahh music....

Tri for a Cure

Well, we did it.  I did it.  We did it.  A whole lotta "we's" did it.  Yesterday was Maine's Tri for a Cure, and it was amazing.  It was freakin' hot, but it was amazing!  Since I was on a relay team, all I had to do was run the mini transition between swim and bike, and then run my 5k, but let me tell you again - it was freakin' HOT!  So while I was running...or slightly more than fast walking...I thought my head was on fire.  I thought it was going to explode.  And I'd feel a bit like giving up.  And then someone - or many someones - who had already swam 1/3 of a mile in the ocean and biked 15 miles would run - no, fly - by me.  So, I'd feel a bit silly for wanting to give up and I'd suck it up and continue.

It was great, though.  It was awesome waiting for my swimmer - who just had brain surgery last December - emerge from the water and run toward me, completely thrilled with herself because she did not stop swimming once.  She was so proud of herself, and the smile and sense of pride was beaming from her. That was my other motivation for me when I wanted to walk at one point.  If Christee can swim 6 months after brain surgery without stopping, surely I can run for 3 miles without stopping.  Now granted, she was in the cool ocean and it was a third of a mile as opposed to my 3.2 miles in the blistering sun - but you know where I'm coming from.  And at the finish line, they let my biker and swimmer join me for the last few hundred yards so we can cross the finish line together, so that was really nice as well. I can't wait until next year.  I hope I can do better with the fundraising, though....

Of course, I got a migraine after the race, but I can't complain, because it stayed away DURING the race so I could complete it.  My pace was slower than normal, but that's ok.  It's my first race in about 5 years, so I'll give myself a break.  I think  I'll sign up for another one right off, though so I keep it up.