Sunday, September 11, 2011
I remembered
I woke up this morning at 8:44 and turned on my tv to hear a bit of President Obama's speech. Since then I've had the tv on NBC, and I've been watching the memorials. I have to thank NBC - they have not shown images from 9/11. It has been all about today (except one flashback to the Pentagon attack). I'm sure as the day goes on, this will change. I'll move on before that happens. But this allowed me to take part of the memorials, and remember without having to see it all over again.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Trying to Forget
September 11, 2001. Am I wrong for not wanting to remember that day? Am I wrong to avoid all conversations, or to change the channel every time a new special comes on?
I fully understand the significance of Sunday. And I understand why we need to never forget that day. But, am I wrong to not want to relive those fears and all that confusion? Even writing this I'm fighting back tears, and I worked really, really hard to put walls up around that day so that I could go on living normally again. And now the media is asking me to relive it all over again...and relive those fears, so that I have to learn to live with them again. That day is in a nice safe place in my mind and heart. But this ten year anniversary is messing that all up. Emotions are starting to seep out as I see images. Memories of co-workers in NYC that I talked to that day are running rampant. The silence I heard at night, as a result of airplanes being grounded resonates loudly. I remember being more aware of Logan Airport during that time when planes were grounded than I previously was. Odd, right?
And now new threats. Of course, this is not unexpected. But for someone like me, who tends to be paranoid, and can easily live in fear if I don't check myself, this can be crippling. I feel a bit safer here in Maine.
So, while I understand, and appreciate the significance of the ten year anniversary - and while I certainly mean no disrespect to those who died on that horrible day, or their families, for they should be honored - I just hate that this means we have to relive our immense sadness and fear (though the fear is MUCH lesser than it was immediately following the attacks).
I just wish the sadness and horror could stay tucked away forever. It doesn't mean I've forgotten - how could I? I just don't care to ever have those emotions - to that extreme - ever again. Seeing those images in real time was truly enough. I can't watch it over and over again. I'm sure that makes me horrible and insensitive and selfish. And that makes me feel horrible...and insensitive...and selfish.
I fully understand the significance of Sunday. And I understand why we need to never forget that day. But, am I wrong to not want to relive those fears and all that confusion? Even writing this I'm fighting back tears, and I worked really, really hard to put walls up around that day so that I could go on living normally again. And now the media is asking me to relive it all over again...and relive those fears, so that I have to learn to live with them again. That day is in a nice safe place in my mind and heart. But this ten year anniversary is messing that all up. Emotions are starting to seep out as I see images. Memories of co-workers in NYC that I talked to that day are running rampant. The silence I heard at night, as a result of airplanes being grounded resonates loudly. I remember being more aware of Logan Airport during that time when planes were grounded than I previously was. Odd, right?
And now new threats. Of course, this is not unexpected. But for someone like me, who tends to be paranoid, and can easily live in fear if I don't check myself, this can be crippling. I feel a bit safer here in Maine.
So, while I understand, and appreciate the significance of the ten year anniversary - and while I certainly mean no disrespect to those who died on that horrible day, or their families, for they should be honored - I just hate that this means we have to relive our immense sadness and fear (though the fear is MUCH lesser than it was immediately following the attacks).
I just wish the sadness and horror could stay tucked away forever. It doesn't mean I've forgotten - how could I? I just don't care to ever have those emotions - to that extreme - ever again. Seeing those images in real time was truly enough. I can't watch it over and over again. I'm sure that makes me horrible and insensitive and selfish. And that makes me feel horrible...and insensitive...and selfish.
Monday, September 5, 2011
One last Sha-Bang!
School starts tomorrow - for realz. Kids and all. No more preparations. Time to meet my kiddos, and make the best first impression possible. Tomorrow is the most important day of this year. Well, one of them, anyway. Being the new teacher is stressful - I mean, seriously, I have to wear the perfect outfit, or I'm a loser for life. This is middle school after all! The kids will be talking, and I'm not kidding.
But before I deal with that, I got one more kick ass weekend with my besties from high school. These girls - Jen, Sara and Jess - know me better than almost anyone. I never get to see them, and in Jen's case, I lost touch with her for many years, and only recently reconnected. But here's the thing: it doesn't matter. We pick up where we left off. We mock. We tease. We laugh. We cry. And it's just understood that, after all these years, we've still got each other's back. I love these girls. In Sara's case, I'm especially proud, because we had a fallen out - due to a 3rd party - and after not speaking to each other for 4 or 5 years, we ran into each other the weekend of her wedding (that I was not invited to) and we both just cried. This falling out was neither of our fault, and we chose to literally forgive and forget...and we have. And while I'm so sad I lost that time with, I'm more grateful that I have more time ahead. That we were able to get over it. We've only discussed it a few times, because we don't understand what happened, so we don't see the point in rehashing, and therefore keeping it alive. But I digress. My point is - that's how strong our bond is....with all of these girls. And we just had the best weekend at Sara's sister's wedding. I'm revived and full of energy and confidence because of my time with them. The perfect frame of mind for tomorrow :)
My hope is that I can spread a spirit of warmth, calmness, positive energy, and optimism to my students at all times. My high school girlfriends bring out these qualities in me. As a matter of fact - most of my friends do - I suppose that's what attracts me to them (you).
Here we go....
But before I deal with that, I got one more kick ass weekend with my besties from high school. These girls - Jen, Sara and Jess - know me better than almost anyone. I never get to see them, and in Jen's case, I lost touch with her for many years, and only recently reconnected. But here's the thing: it doesn't matter. We pick up where we left off. We mock. We tease. We laugh. We cry. And it's just understood that, after all these years, we've still got each other's back. I love these girls. In Sara's case, I'm especially proud, because we had a fallen out - due to a 3rd party - and after not speaking to each other for 4 or 5 years, we ran into each other the weekend of her wedding (that I was not invited to) and we both just cried. This falling out was neither of our fault, and we chose to literally forgive and forget...and we have. And while I'm so sad I lost that time with, I'm more grateful that I have more time ahead. That we were able to get over it. We've only discussed it a few times, because we don't understand what happened, so we don't see the point in rehashing, and therefore keeping it alive. But I digress. My point is - that's how strong our bond is....with all of these girls. And we just had the best weekend at Sara's sister's wedding. I'm revived and full of energy and confidence because of my time with them. The perfect frame of mind for tomorrow :)
My hope is that I can spread a spirit of warmth, calmness, positive energy, and optimism to my students at all times. My high school girlfriends bring out these qualities in me. As a matter of fact - most of my friends do - I suppose that's what attracts me to them (you).
Here we go....
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