Trying to Forget

September 11, 2001.  Am I wrong for not wanting to remember that day?  Am I wrong to avoid all conversations, or to change the channel every time a new special comes on? 
I fully understand the significance of Sunday. And I understand why we need to never forget that day.  But, am I wrong to not want to relive those fears and all that confusion?  Even writing this I'm fighting back tears, and I worked really, really hard to put walls up around that day so that I could go on living normally again.  And now the media is asking me to relive it all over again...and relive those fears, so that I have to learn to live with them again.  That day is in a nice safe place in my mind and heart. But this ten year anniversary is messing that all up.  Emotions are starting to seep out as I see images. Memories of co-workers in NYC that I talked to that day are running rampant.  The silence I heard at  night, as a result of airplanes being grounded resonates loudly.  I remember being more aware of Logan Airport during that time when planes were grounded than I previously was.  Odd, right?
And now new threats.  Of course, this is not unexpected.   But for someone like me, who tends to be paranoid, and can easily live in fear if I don't check myself, this can be crippling.  I feel a bit safer here in Maine. 
So, while I understand, and appreciate the significance of the ten year anniversary - and while I certainly mean no disrespect to those who died on that horrible day, or their families, for they should be honored - I just hate that this means we have to relive our immense sadness and fear (though the fear is MUCH lesser than it was immediately following the attacks).
I just wish the sadness and horror could stay tucked away forever.  It doesn't mean I've forgotten - how could I?  I just don't care to ever have those emotions - to that extreme - ever again. Seeing those images in real time was truly enough. I can't watch it over and over again.  I'm sure that makes me horrible and insensitive and selfish.  And that makes me feel horrible...and insensitive...and selfish.