Um...Ouch.

After years of people begging me to go to the chiropractor to help with migraines, I finally went.  I'd been to one when I was in middle school and hated it...creeped me out.  So I've been avoiding it like the plague.  But for the last 6 or 8 months, I've had some serious neck issues.  And while I think (hope) this will help relieve migraines, I'm really going because I clearly have neck issues that have nothing to do with migraines.  On my best day, I am uncomfortable.  Most days I feel like I have a sharp pain in my neck.  Other days I have limited mobility. And still other days, the ache is so bad I literally can't concentrate and it can disrupt my day more than a migraine simply because there is not enough aspirin or ibuprofen to relieve this pain, whereas imitrex will send a migraine on its merry way most of the time.  With some added pressure from my acupuncturist, I finally had my first appt last week.  As it turns out, and I quote, my "head is basically on sideways".  Now, we laugh, but this really explains why the sopranos are better behaved than the altos - I can't frickin' see the altos because my head is on sideways! But I digress...the first appointment went well, and I felt like a million bucks for a couple days.  Today was my second appointment.  I feel like I was mugged and beaten and that million bucks was stolen. I hurt.  A lot.  My neck just aches...and it feels like I have a couple different cricks (sp?) in there...and it keeps cracking.  She also stretched my lower back today, which felt truly amazing at the time, but not so much right now.  My back is really tired and uncomfortable.  I was warned about this last week - that all of these changes might wreak havoc and that my body may feel like I'd just run a marathon.  I guess I naively thought that since it didn't react that way the first time that I was in the clear.  No such Irish frickin' luck. 
I have to go 2 more times this week and then we'll take it from there.  Since we're basically retraining my body, I have to go more frequently in the beginning until "it" learns to stay in place.  So I'll go more often this week and next...when all is said and done, I should only have to go once every month or two for some maintenance.  Suddenly I'm feeling like a car...but instead of a 35,000 mile check up, I get the 35 year old tune ups.  Ugh.  
All this shit better work...that's all I'm saying.  The good news is that I was able to enjoy quite a bit of wine over the holiday weekend...and cosmos.  That has not happened in quite some time.  So that's good...if we're measuring progress by quantity of drinks.  And I can think of no better measurement, can you?

Who's the grown up anyway??

I know I'm supposed to be the grown up, but when it comes to playing games with my nephew, I can get pretty competitive.  Today it was Sorry Sliders, War and Old Maid.  Ryan won Sorry Sliders, but it was a close game.  I'd never played that before so I was happy just to stay in the game.  I honestly don't see a huge point to the game.  I did win my first EVER game of War today...and I let it be known with some extreme yelling, and yes, taunting.  Not my greatest teaching moment, but thankfully Ryan thinks I'm funny.  Mimi, on the other hand, thought I was rather obnoxious, and thought I should be setting a better example.  I thought it was a good time to show Ryan how to be a good loser :)  I was irritated with Old Maid because with only 2 of use playing, and me dealing, Ryan got more cards, which meant that he got 1 more match than me...which  means he automatically won the game before we even started.  I was not really happy about that one.  We did practice Catch Phrase, which is my all time favorite game, and is something we'll be sure to play as a family over Christmas.  So with this in mind - and the fact that each team has to have one of the kids in order to keep things fair - I thought I'd help him hone his Catch Phrase skills and give him some ideas on how to give clues.  And then maybe, on Christmas Eve, I'd just happen to suggest Ryan should be on my team.  We'll continue this "bonding" experience for the next few weeks, in the true Christmas spirit, of course.  hehe.

Giving Thanks

I always feel inadequate during Thanksgiving.  Others are always so eloquent in expressing their appreciation for what they are thankful for.  I always feel like I sound insincere - and I think this is because I'm just a sappy person in general.  So when you say things over and over, they are taken for granted. For example...those who know me well, are aware that I am forever in debt to my family.  But that statement right there seems rather dramatic, which makes it seem insincere.  But it's not!!  So I'm going to try the opposite this year.  This is my unplugged version of giving thanks:

I am thankful for everyone in my life who has made me who I am, including family, friends, enemies and complete strangers.  Every person I have run into has had an impact on me and changed the way I've thought about myself, others, certain situations and the world in general.  Some have temporarily made me a more bitter, judgmental person, while others have  made me look inward to discover the ugliness of those qualities and given me the strength to change them.  Some have patiently held my hand as I went from one self analysis to another and supported each diagnosis I gave myself.  Others told me to suck it up, and stop dwelling on every detail and just live a little.  Some reminded me I am not the first, nor will I be the last person to have these thoughts or feelings.  Recognize them and figure out how to move on. Complete strangers give me so much hope and inspiration not only for myself, but for humankind.  This happens almost daily.  One look at a person less fortunate than me, who is able to smile and laugh, and have hope, can fill my heart with such joy and warmth.  It can inspire me to try give that same joy and warmth to someone else.  Imagine if everyone would pay that feeling forward.  On the flip side, a rude, judgmental, self-righteous person can first make me feel so much rage...which quickly turns to pity for this person, who must be so miserable.  All of these people - known and unknown - shape the work in progress that I continue to be.  To all of you, thank you.  I wish you all the peace and happiness that I am beginning to find.

Happy Thanksgiving, my friends.  I love you.

Workshop Days

Yesterday and today we had teacher workshops, so there were no students.  The workshops, were actually quite instructive.  We had a couple of guest speakers on differentiating instructions.  While this seems like commonsense practice, apparently it is not. I feel like I alter lesson plans and homework assignments quite a bit to suit different learning styles and abilities, but it turns out, I'm not necessarily going about it the right way.  So that was good to know.  These presenters came prepared with matrixes and tables for me to use to get me started as I look at altering my plans going forward.  I've found that too many times we've had workshops where we're just told what we should be doing without any ideas or suggestions on how we should go about it. We have new administration this year, so I hope he continues this trend.  We also did a bit on technology, so I got to work on a new website for my classes.  I'm hoping to get it up and running in the next week or so.

Today after school, I was invited out to a happy hour with 5 other teachers around my age. We were all kind of feeling spent from 2 intense days and felt like we needed some adult beverages.  I don't get out much, to be honest.  So it was kind of great.  A great end to some good in-service days and a great beginning to a much deserved Thanksgiving Break.

Side effects

This post is more for my benefit.  I have a follow up appointment with my neurologist in a couple of weeks and I'm never good at telling what is wrong with me.  So...I've been on Topamax for 2 weeks now.  The first week was pretty easy...I didn't really notice any  negative side effects.  I did notice that I got fuller faster when I ate, though I didn't lose weight (or at least not enough to note).  My moods were better - presumably because I didn't have any migraines.  That's logical, yes?  Week 2 has been a bit rougher.  In addition to a couple more migraines, I've noticed that I've had times where I felt sick to my stomach.  I think I've figured out that it happens when I'm hungry.  It's kind of like I get no warning when I'm getting hungry...no hunger pains or grumbly stomach.  I'm just all of a sudden hungry to the point of nausea. This, of course, makes eating unappealing.  Usually after the first couple of bites, I'm totally fine, but for 10 minutes or so, I really feel horrible.  Once again, my migraines are different in how they feel, so I've had to get used to identifying them again....just when I get used to one type...ugh.  So frustrating!  Tomorrow I up my dosage to 75 mgs, so we'll see what that brings. I do have to say that overall I feel better, though.  I have more energy, and with the exception of one day, I have more patience with my students. 

I also go to the chiropractor on Wednesday for the first time.  I'm incredibly excited for this.  I know I have some serious neck issues and even if they end up having nothing to do with  migraines, I know that the relief it brings me will still be helpful to my overall mental/physical health.  On my best day - without any sort of headache - I always at least have a discomfort in my neck.  A dull ache or maybe limited mobility or sometimes worse.  I think often the neck issues antagonize migraines...but I don't think, in my own case, that they are co-dependent. 

Anyway, like, I said, this entry is mostly for me...so in two weeks I can look back right before my appointment and refresh my memory.  

I've lost my ear!

I actually swore I would never do this...but I'm looking into Grad Schools.  Truly, it only makes sense.  In order to keep renewing my teaching certificate, I'm required to take a certain amount of courses anyway, so I guess I might as well work towards something.  It would be a nice accomplishment - to have a Masters Degree.  Plus, it'd put me up higher on the pay scale.  Not that that's my only reason - but it is a factor, I can't lie.
But see, I've been out of school for 12 years.  And a lot of music education is ear training...and like everything else, the less you do it, the more you lose that skill.  Yes, that skill will get better as I "retrain" my ear, but in the meantime, I'm trying to keep up with kids who are fresh out of college.  It would be like....a quarterback who's been retired for 10 years trying out for a team against the Hesimann Trophy winners.  Seriously.  I just don't want to humiliate myself.  And honestly, I had a hard enough time with ear training courses in undergrad school - and that's when I was in my prime!If it wasn't for looking over my good friend's shoulder at her answers, I would've never passed that class.  I'm only slightly exaggerating.  I know in the end I won't be stopped because of my self doubt.  If I can give myself props about one thing, it's that I don't let my insecurities or fears keep me from doing things.  But I do have to talk myself through the process, and take my own pace.  I guess when I'm ready ready to take the leap, I'll do it.  I hope I get ready soon, because I'd like to get going on this next fall and the deadline for all the admissions material is April!

Mid 30's

It's official.  As of 11:30 this morning, I am officially in my mid 30's.  I have mixed feelings about this.  On the one hand, I am in a far different place than I thought I would be right now - most glaringly, single and childless.  But on the other hand, I think I am a better, strong, and happier person than I would be if my life had gone the way I thought I wanted it to go.  
Growing up I was always the one closest to my family.  I insisted on going to all family functions - which is great - but kind of abnormal when going through the teen years.  Upon many years of self reflection, I think my family was (is) my security blanket that I clung to.  As long as I was with them, I didn't have to deal with anything.  I didn't even have to talk - which, believe it or not, I really didn't do much of growing up.  I was very quiet and quite content to let others speak and make decisions for me.  Because of this, I never really learned who I am until  much later...MUCH later.  We call people like me 'late bloomers'.  Had I married young, it probably would've been just trading one security blanket for another and I would've never have found my own voice.  So while I have days where I am saddened that I have not found Mr. Right and that I do not have a child yet, it doesn't take long for me to remind myself that I will be a better partner and mother because of the extra time I had to figure myself out. 
I've found lately that I've started preparing myself for the chance that I may never find Mr. Right and what that might mean.  Will I be happy enough with just myself?  I  mean, I know I have an amazing group of friends and family who love and support and encourage me.  But like all, I want that one person.  Will I be happy if I don't find him, or will I always feel that emptiness.  Truth be told, the answer is both.  My happiness is not defined by a boyfriend or husband...but I want one.  Period.  And then....will I get to the point where I have a child on my own through adoption or IVF?  What a scary thought.  I know millions of people do this on their own every day, but can I? Well, I know mentally and emotionally I can, but can I financially?  I  mean, I'm a teacher.  I can barely support myself.  And if I decide I can't afford a child (that sounds so horrible), will I be happy without a child?  
So it's such an interesting position to be in.  On the one hand, I truly think I'm better off not getting married early and having kids, like I always dreamed would happen.  But now I'm at the age where my chances of getting married and having kids are decreasing every day.  I mean, I haven't given up, but I honestly have to face this possibility.  How depressing.  
So I'm going to be honest.  I don't think I'm going to love 35.  33...that was a great age.  Can I please just go back a couple years and stay there?  Or...better yet....can Mr. Right come knocking on my door?  Or at least Mr. almost right?

Feels like failure

I finally gave in and started taking Topamax.  Tuesday was my first day so it's way to early to notice anything.  I did have a migraine yesterday, but I'm still on the lowest dose, so I can't get discouraged by that.  I start at 25 mg for a week...then I bump it up to 50mg for a week...then 75mg...then 100mg.  Hopefully that's it.  My master plan is that, assuming Topamax works, I'll stay on it for a year.  At the same time I'll continue acupuncture and the CoQ10.  I'm also going to go to a chiropractor for a while, too, because I really do have a lot of neck issues.  My hope is that the Topamax will help me get rid of migraines but that once I kind of get out of this awful cycle, I can look to the acupuncture to keep them at bay.  Who knows if it will work, but that thought process made it a bit easier to start taking the meds in the first place.  So we'll see.

Haunted Mansion

The festival I just conducted took place in a town about 20 minutes from where I grew up. I played many basketball/soccer/softball games and traveled through there on my way to just about anywhere.  So I'm pretty familiar with the town. Which means that when I found out where I was staying over night, I had a slight panic attack.  The old mansion is haunted and has been for years.  Actually, there was a very damaging fire in 1994.  I remember this fire, because it was in the middle of winter, and when you passed the mansion it was so creepy because of all the icicles hanging from the burned structure.  I guess the ghost has not been seen or heard from since that fire.  But, there is no official explanation for the fire, and it's suspected that the ghost was a fire poltergeist - meaning IT started the fire.  Creepy, right?  Well, it is for me, as I not only truly believe in ghosts, but I truly believe at some point I will see one.  This is just a feeling I've always had.  I've, at times, 'felt' a certain presence as well.  
Anyway, Cathy and I drive up to the mansion in complete darkness in the pouring rain.  There are no outside lights out and no signs indicating where we should enter.  Finally a man greets us.  And he's weird.  Very weird.  I was so uncomfortable in his presence that I really didn't want to stay there...even if the ghost stories were false.  He showed us around the house and we passed right through the front parlor - where the ghost hung out and started the fire.  Then he showed us our rooms upstairs...one of the rooms was right above the parlor.  Cathy didn't know this...so I told her to take that room!!!  Our rooms were adjoining, so I made sure to leave the door that connected our rooms open.  It was a horrible, horrible night.  It was rainy and windy and the host had the place so freakin' hot and left us with very specific instructions that it's "best to leave the temperature as it is". Whatever that means (my theories on that shortly...).  During the night, I heard every creak of the house...and I swear to God, I heard feet shuffling.  Only we were the only ones in the mansion - the owner stayed in a separate part of the house.  Cathy heard noises in her closet.  For realz.  I slept awful - but more from the heat than from the noises.  But then I started thinking...why is it best to keep the heat so high?  Could it be because of the fire poltergeist?  No joke, that's what kept going through my mind.  All night.  Does the heat keep the poltergeist at bay?  Is it so hot BECAUSE of the poltergeist?
Seriously, I know I have an active imagination, but I really do believe in spirits, so while many will laugh this off, it was an awful night.  I'm not sure I have ever been so genuinely afraid.  
So with about 3 hours of sleep, I had to conduct a festival for 9 hours and then drive 2+ hours home.  Zzzzzzz....
Just another adventure in the world of Nancois.

Relieved and Proud

This past Friday was my first experience as a guest conductor at an honors festival.  A college friend asked me last May if I'd be interested, and after some hesitation (and nudging from my s-i-l), I said yes.  I was kind of weary because I'm only in my 3rd year of teaching, and I was concerned that I wasn't organized enough in my teaching approach...meaning, would I have enough to teach these kids? And, can I teach it in a way that is enjoyable to these kids?  Because even though this is an honors festival, at this age (middle school), most teachers will agree that we want the kids to have fun so that they continue in music.  I was also nervous because I know that at the festivals my students take part in, I always sit through  most of the rehearsals observing the conductor.  I love the opportunity to see how I can tweak my own teaching style.  You get some great ideas!!  But I know I'm not the only one that does that, and the thought of all these veteran teachers watching me was frightening.  One teacher in particular was of concern, because she had taught me in music camp many years ago.  Obviously you want to do well in front of those who taught you and influenced you.  One thing I had to my advantage is that my s-i-l was my accompanist (I told her the only way I'd do this is if she was my accompanist...so she really had no choice!).  It was so comforting to know that she had my back.  And she helped me pick music. And during breaks we'd confer and she had heard a few things I hadn't and she felt comfortable telling me that, and I wasn't embarrassed by not hearing it. 
Of course, everything went as well as can be expected.  Is there room for improvement?  Of course.  As soon as you think you've got it down perfect, you might as well go home.  As I said before, I am only in my 3rd year of teaching.  And, this was my first experience teaching 4 songs for 8 hours straight to students who are not mine.  Students with varying degrees of talent and interest.  Students who came in with different degrees of preparedness.  So overall I think I did well.  There are definitely things I'd do differently next time.  But here's the thing...you don't know what you'd differently until you've gone through the experience, right?  So next time I have the honor of being asked to conduct a festival, I have a better idea of what I'm in for, so I'll be better prepared and have a few more tricks up my sleeve.  The most important thing is that the kids had a great time and were proud of what they did.  And judging by the hugs and picture requests I got from the kids, I think this mission was accomplished.  
Here are some highlights:
1. an autistic boy sat in the front row...between songs he'd always put his folder on my stand to organize.  many might find that obstrusive, but I found it endearing.
2. after I did some solfege (do-re-mi) with them to switch it up a bit, the same boy was seen at every other break practicing the hand signs.  Before the concert he came up to me to make sure he was doing it right.
3. a teacher that was in the room all day (the autistic boy was her student) came up to me to discuss solfege and how I use it in my class.  It felt really great to be considered more knowledgeable about something and having caught the interest of a veteran teacher was kind of cool
4. There were 3 girls from my hometown in the chorus.  It was cool that they came up to introduce themselves and we joke a lot about my dad (who is their teacher). It was cool to be someone they looked up to from their hometown - someone who's interest in music came from the same music room and auditorium they learn/perform in.
5. It was a really special experience to share with my s-i-l.  Period.  The end.
6. Looking out into the audience and seeing my dad and aunt looking on quite proudly.
7. A soloist forgot her words during the concert.  I found her to make sure she was good....but she was bummed.  I told her I'd rather have a student take a chance and have the courage to audition with 30 other kids and have the guts to sing in front of people - even if she messes up a bit in the end.  Her messing up the words is not what I was going to remember from this day and I hoped it's not what she'd remember either. She has a beautiful voice and I hope she continued auditioning for solos because it gets easier the more you do it.  The look of relief on her face melted my heart. 
8. Giving every single kid a high five and/or hug after the concert to say thank you and good job.  They were pumped!
9.During the pre-concert pep talk, I told the kids this was my first festival - they all stood up and applauded.
10. Kids asking me for hugs and pictures after the concert.

A couple funny things:
1. I forgot to pack pants to wear on Friday so I had to wear the same clothes I wore to school on Thursday - thankfully Cathy is the only one who knew that!
2. the haunted mansion.  OK - this wasn't funny.  It was really, really creepy.  As were the people who owned it.
3. I called Cathy "Mrs. Smith" instead of Mrs. Murray 3 times (Mrs. Smith is my co-worker)
4.Cathy only called me Aunt Nancy 1 time
5. At the concert I looked at Cathy to give her the tempo and count off...before I had the chorus stand.